Note: I am aware that this letter could never be as visceral or candid as your “Dear John” lyrics, but it will have to suffice as my “we’re- breaking-up” exposé.
Dear Taylor Swift,
Oh, what a perfect, beautiful American name. Paired with those royal blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and whitish blonde locks, your waif-like figure evokes imagery of our own flag. But if you think we're all foolish enough to let you sing our national anthem, you’re mistaken.
