TALK (/GOSSIP). The bathroom is a particularly rich goldmine for gossip. Girls say practically anything in front of practically anyone once intoxicated and in the welcome respite of… the bathroom (so classy). I feel dumber for having ever been exposed to some of the airhead bathroom gossip I’ve witnessed.
“Like, Isn’t Jimmy totally digging me out there?!” Like yeah, now get back out there and, like, do something about it already.
HOG THE MIRROR/SINK. Giiiirl, you DO NOT NEED ANYMORE MAKEUP. It’s not going to help. And your butt looks spectacular (suuure) in that $19.99 H&M mini-skirt, no need to check it out from every angle. And please do not use the bathroom mirror to take sleazy, pucker-lipped self photos. Just DON'T.
STALL. Stalling in the stall is a double negative. Listen, we’re all in here to do one thing: Relieve ourselves from massive amounts of liquid intake. Can you please do what you have to do (quickly & hygienically), so we can do what we have to do?
CRYING. NO ONE CARES. Seriously, if you’re ugly and emotional, don’t go to a public place and drink. It just ends poorly--- for everyone.
CELL PHONES. I’m not sure when this locale became a particularly “clear” speaking zone, or when this habit became an acceptable norm. I hope you drop your phone in the toilet. (I once did this at a tennis banquet in high school. Subsequently, the automatic flusher actually flushed my good old Razr into the oblivion. Lesson learned, the gross way.)
GET SICK. WHY must we all pay for your inability to manage your alcohol intake! This is real rookie stuff, ladies.
Next time you engage in any of these activities, please be considerate of your fellow women-in-seek-of-relief. And that’s my pre-weekend advice.
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